There comes a moment when a person realizes that real relationships don't need constant mental stimulation. No drama, no intensity that must be renewed, no roles that have to be played for the relationship to “live.” When the false functions are removed – the regulator, the savior, the one who understands, the one who holds – the relationship doesn't become empty. It becomes quieter. And that's exactly when many people get scared.
We're accustomed to believing that intimacy must have a constant dynamic, that it has to be felt, explained, analyzed. That intensity means depth. But those are substitutes for security, not security itself. Intensity often serves to mask inner instability. A real relationship looks different: two people stand, each in their own body, without the need to constantly produce something between them. And that is enough.
In such a relationship there's no constant checking of the connection's pulse. There's no need to confirm that “it still exists.” A relationship isn't maintained by effort but by the absence of tension. This is a qualitative change, not a romantic idea.
How to spot fake intimacy at first glance
False intimacy always needs a stimulus to sustain itself. It must have a topic, a crisis, a conversation about the relationship, a constant “where are we.” Silence in such a relationship creates discomfort, doubt, or a need for further explanation. It often intensifies in a crisis and weakens when peace sets in.
Such closeness lives on tension. It looks deep, intense, special. But it has one clear flaw: it wears out the nervous system. If after a “close” encounter you're left exhausted, mentally fuzzy, or needing to clarify something else, that isn't closeness. It's a regulatory loop in which two people soothe each other instead of each maintaining their own regulation.
True intimacy has no tail. It doesn't ask for a sequel. It doesn't ask for an explanation. It doesn't leave you feeling indebted.
Why do people get scared when they get into a real relationship?
Because a real relationship doesn't validate identity. In it, you're not valued simply because you're needed. You're not the savior, the regulator, or special because of your role. You don't receive validation through constant exchanges of emotions or meaning.
For many, it's terrifying because for years they've identified themselves with what they give and how they “hold” the relationship. When those roles fall apart, part of the ego disappears too. In the silence, questions arise: “Is this even a relationship?”, “Where is the passion?”, “Why isn't there that feeling like before?”.
These aren't signs that something is wrong. They're symptoms of withdrawal from tension. A real relationship doesn't give you a “high.” It gives you peace. And peace is unfamiliar to many because they weren't taught to tolerate it.
How is such simplicity most often sabotaged?
Sabotage almost always comes from good intentions. It most often happens by bringing the “relationship talk” back up when there's no real need, by seeking emotional validation (“are we okay?”), by unconsciously introducing drama when everything is calm, or by idealizing past intensity and confusing intensity with closeness.
All of this brings the relationship back into the head. And a relationship that has already descended into the body falls apart in the head. The mind seeks stimulation because it's used to it, but the body seeks stability. If the body isn't given priority, the old dynamic will very quickly return under the guise of “maturity” and “communication.”.
The only thing that preserves a real relationship
That's not communication, analysis, or constant self-work. It's simply this: everyone remains responsible for their own regulation. When two people don't use the relationship to calm down, to validate themselves, or to escape from themselves, the relationship has nothing left to “do.” Then it simply is.
In such a space, conversations are shorter, more precise, and less frequent. Silence is not emptiness but a sign of security. Presence carries more weight than words.
Where energy work has a real role
Energy work in this context is not meant to repair relationships or “deepen connection.” Its true role is to restore regulation to the individual so that the relationship doesn't have to bear that function.
When, through energy work, internal tension is reduced, open regulatory loops are closed, the body's clear boundaries are restored, and the nervous system stabilized, relationships naturally simplify. The need for drama, explanations, and constant emotional labor disappears. A relationship is no longer a place for healing but a place for connection.
Energy work is then about helping each person stand on their own rather than between others. Not to “elevate” the relationship, but to free it from functions that don't belong to it.
The Naked Truth
Real relationships aren't exciting. They're not dramatic. They're not always “something.” But in them there's no tension, no roles, no hidden debts, no constant drain on energy. And that's why they last. Not because they hold on, but because they have nothing to prove.
When you stop seeking a relationship to get something and start living it as a space in which you can be, the game ends. Reality remains. And it is precisely there that the peace that needs no explanation begins. From that peace can come an explosion, or intimacy, or laughter and inspiration, but it remains the foundation. Because the functions have vanished and the real selves meet.
